In 2003, when my life really fell apart, I started a website. It was before blogs became popular and it was pretty much an online journal of my life. I had moved from Hollywood to a small farm in South Carolina, I was alone, in every sense of the word. I stayed there for a few months seeing pretty much no one but the mail man. I was angry, so angry. I stewed and I wrote and I stewed. Near the end of that time, I started posting the transcripts of online chats, my only real communication was via ICQ. It was therapeutic. It also got me in some hot water. People were reading this site, lots of people. I got some real enjoyment out of that for some reason and it helped me cope. I wish I could post what the URL of the site was, but I cannot, I have no doubt some people are still looking for it today in hopes of seeing what Im up to now. Best to leave those people in the past.
I just had a rather heated exchange with my Mother on chat, about my older brother, Im pretty heated about the whole thing. So, I have decided that I am going to start posting some transcripts when they happen. Maybe it will keep me from feeling so frustrated. Besides, how interesting can someones sleeping habits and ailments really be anyway?
Benjamin:
i see .. youre spending the night in green bay and bringing pat back tomorrow
makes more sense
Mom:
will yo maybe drive over there saturday with me?
to edgerton?
Benjamin:
what is that Kristens?
Mom:
yes
Benjamin:
I guess… I dont want to stay late or spend the night.. I have no urge to talk to david when hes drunk.. I dont. know.. Ill think about it tomorrow
Sent at 4:07 PM on Thursday
Mom:
david has not been drinking at kristen’s he’s been working hard
Sent at 4:12 PM on Thursday
Benjamin:
yes i know.. but when pats there they have a lot of catching up to do.. and you already said he called you when he was drunk.. david is as bad a drunk as lisa is and I cannot talk to him when he drinks.. I know this doesnt make sense to you mom but my memories of david are so old now, that I just dont have a family feeling about him, or really lisa for that matter.. Too much time has gone by and my memories are all from a little kids point of view. There are other issues as well.. but hes not David “the brother” to me anymore..
my pull to him is not like yours..
i dont know a better way to say that where it doesnt sound cold.. i guess Im really pissed off at him for a ton of stuff and now when I talk to him I just feel like running into an old friend that you havent seen in 25 years and really dont have anything in common with
the he drinks and tells me how he raised me.. which he didnt..
honeslty.. come to think of it.. id rather just keep it to a phone call i think.. sorry
ill think about it..
Mom:
i can’t even tell you how disappoinyed and almost angry the way this family continues to carry grudges, gives noone room to move or change…...fragmentation like this is horrible and damaging to the souls of everyone
okay i could let fly more but will drive my drive and try to think happier thoughts.
have fun with your haircut and whatever
Benjamin:
well the last EVERY time ive seen David its been exactly the same.. repetative droning bullshit about how good he was to me when I was a kid.. Its depressing to me, and he depresses me about his life and what I turned into
so its deeper than a grudge and I dont expect you to understand anything
youre not a product of me..
have a safe drive
Mom:
i don’t understand i think all of us have our demons and forgiving to do but…...apparently you won’t and the others of course people remember things but one keeps coming together and trying, i think
i thik i do or at lest try
okay ben i’ll see you later
Benjamin:
talk to you later
